An open letter to my boyfriend on how he helped me discover the importance of self-love and Black-love.

Story by Jana Obune

Dear Yannick,

Have you ever heard that life is like an elevator? Well, my life wasn’t like that.

It was more like a roller coaster, only going straight with no turns, loops or increased speeds. Then, you entered my life unexpectedly, and it started going uphill with fun surprises. By accepting my insecurities and daily health battles, you showed me how much you love me for who I am.

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At the start of the pandemic, I spent all my time trying to survive the quarter online and working from home. As an introvert, I enjoyed spending this time alone. I felt that I was reconnecting with myself and didn’t have to worry about in-person responsibilities, such as being active in Ethnic Student Center clubs.

When you entered my life during the pandemic, I was not looking for a relationship. I’m grateful I got quality time with myself, because it prepared me for being with you.

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Throughout my life, I have battled with learning to love myself, and I knew that no relationship could prosper if self-love didn’t exist first.

I had multiple insecurities growing up that affected my self-image. My allergies to soy, nuts and seafood made me insecure because of how easily my skin breaks out. I was afraid to be myself and that translated to being awkward around others.

When quarantine hit, I cut people from my life who brought me down and surrounded myself with those I could be genuine with.

Then, summer arrived, and I went back home. I worked and took summer classes, anticipating what could happen in the rest of 2020.

In July, my friend went through an unexpected breakup, so she decided to join Tinder again. I wanted to be a good friend, so I joined her on the app, but I was not actively trying to find someone.

I was a happy single woman, even though most of my friends were in relationships. Little did I know I would match with someone who I fell in love with five months later.

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Yannick, being with you made 2020 easier not only because I had someone to get through the pandemic with, but also because you helped me love myself and learn more about Black-love.

Black people have been affected by racism that emerged from negative stereotypes such as being aggressive. Some take these personally and feel the need to conform to society’s expectations, which negatively affects how they view themselves.

Yannick, I asked my friend Joviana Smith why Black-love is important.

She said, “It’s important for our mental health because when or if we’re being told that our life doesn’t matter by society, some tend to take those feelings to heart and develop self-hate.”

Black people have often felt the need to change aspects of who they are to fit in, get jobs and be respected. One example is our hair. Some settings like work or school discriminate by not accepting dreadlocks, braids or afros, which leads to us straightening our hair. This creates internalized racism.

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As a Black person in this country, self-love is very important. We should not stop being who we are because society does not approve of our names, hair or appearances.

We need to love the skin we are in despite what society tells us. It’s always been important, but now more than ever, we need to love ourselves and showcase Black-love.

Yannick, I asked you why Black-love is important.

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You said, “Black people are often deprived of that experience because we’re attacked and assassinated financially, emotionally [and] physically in a systematic way. No one genuinely understands and empathizes like another Black person, so it feels nourishing, like all your needs are met.”

To me, Black-love involves two Black people, connecting with or understanding each other in relation to race.

I often think about the day we went on our first date in August. We went out to eat and I couldn’t stop talking because I didn’t want awkward silence, and you weren’t saying much. We talked about school, sports, comic book characters, movies and being the children of African parents.

After that date, I remember thinking of you as someone I could really like, and that terrified me. The following weekend, you officially asked me to be your girlfriend.

I’ve never truly been in love before, but as weeks went by in our relationship, I continued to ask myself: is this what love feels like? Because I didn’t know.

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I did know that I was always happy to see you, talk to you, share things with you and try new things. I went from the girl who likes being alone to wanting to be with you. I think that’s when I realized that this is love.

Recently, you’ve helped me accept my insecurities. I always struggled with people staying with me as I deal with my allergies. You reminded me that love is about staying by each other’s side no matter what hardships we face. You still care about me and love me while I’m going through this journey of learning to love myself.

Yannick, I asked you why love is important.

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You said, “I think it’s natural to want love because we all want to feel cared for and that we matter as people. I think when you receive and/or give love it’s a life-driving and sustaining experience.”

Every day, whether you’re with me or not, I can’t stop smiling and I look forward to our next adventure. What we have is beautiful, and as we continue to grow individually, our love will also grow to build a strong future for us.

Love,

Jana