You’re close. You understand what an orgasm is, but do you know what it means to orgasm? Orgasms may be able to teach us how to live with more mindfulness and empowerment for creating pleasure. 

By: Eleanor Peterson

Orgasms in themselves are a story. They don’t just happen; they have a start, middle, climax and end. Similar to a story, in the quest to orgasm, the protagonist experiences adversity, self-doubt, and challenges imposed by external pressures. But, just like any story, orgasms reveal deeper insights with meaningful lessons and values to live by. 

Many tales have been told before, portraying female orgasm as a secondary character to male orgasm. Though older fables have value, the time has come to move past the damsel in distress and knight in shining armor tropes popularized so long ago. In leaving behind the outdated portrayals of female orgasm, a story far richer and more complex may be told. A story in which female orgasm is the hero, a fully developed force to be reckoned with. 

Like many heroes, female orgasm possesses a unique characteristic that sets it apart from the rest. Orgasms by women are unique in that they theoretically can occur in succession of each other, as opposed to men who experience an elongated refractory period in which they are not responsive to sexual stimuli. This means that women and those with vulvas can experience multiple orgasms... and multiple orgasms can be experienced in multiple ways. 

Meet Abby Payfer, a Western Washington University student and aspiring sex therapist with a passion for sex education. 

“It depends on your definition,” Payfer said on characterizing multiple orgasms. “But basically, it's just when you're able to orgasm multiple times in one session or when you're able to build on an orgasm, you have your initial one and then each one gets more heightened. It really depends on the definition you're using. Because different people see it differently.” 

Though women and those with vulvas carry within them a sexual superpower, many experience difficulty achieving even one orgasm during sex. 

Enter Jenn Mason, a certified sex coach and the owner of WinkWink Boutique in downtown Bellingham. Mason wields the powers of sex education and advocacy to empower those around her. 

“Not doing the things that would actually lead their bodies to orgasm is really common,” Mason said on why women and those with vulvas may struggle to orgasm during sex with a partner.  “I see that all the time. Because in straight cis partner sex, there's such an emphasis on penetration, which, for many people with vulvas, is not going to lead them to orgasm by itself."

Just as stories have no universal setting, no universal context or method prompts orgasm. This brings us to the phallocentric perspective of orgasms — an obstacle our hero must face in her journey. This perspective normalizes and perpetuates penetration as the focus of sexual experiences between couples. 

“There's sort of a template that people end up using around sex, particularly for cis straight folks,” Mason said. “And what we know, what research has shown us, is that that template really does a disservice to women. They're less likely to receive oral sex, they're more likely to be giving. They're less likely to have orgasms, they're more likely to feel that their pleasure is secondary to their partner’s. And so, we see big orgasm gaps exist in straight couples that we don't see in queer relationships."

The orgasm gap refers to the disparity in the frequency of orgasms between men and women, specifically in straight partnerships. This gap reflects ingrained gender roles and norms that are brought with us into the bedroom and can influence sexual experiences between partners. A phallocentric perspective of orgasms reinforces the value of men’s pleasure over that of women’s through its emphasis on penetration. 

“It definitely can happen,” Payfer said on the role of penetration in achieving orgasm with a partner, “but a lot of the time what's happening is people are getting different sources of stimulation, and that's what's allowing them to go further and further and keep going. Either keep it going or have it happen again.” 

All the wiser, the hero of this story is prepared to take on its biggest challenge yet: embracing pleasure by letting go of distractions, stress and gender norms. 

Mason explains that anyone, even those without vulvas, may have trouble achieving orgasm due to a variety of external factors such as side effects of medication and what she calls, “state of being.” This refers to our mental and emotional wellness including relationship stress, performance anxiety, previous trauma and any distractions that may interfere with one’s sexual experience and ability to focus on pleasure. 

“Pleasure is the measure,” writes Emily Nagoski, PhD in her New York Times Best Seller, “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” In reframing pleasure, not orgasm, as the focus of sexual experiences sex becomes more, well, pleasurable. 

Mason, a fan of Nagoski’s work, says that she encourages her clients to ask themselves whether orgasm is important to them. For some, the overall pursuit of pleasure is enough, and whether an orgasm occurs is not as important. 

“I think for a lot of people, sex is about feeling good, and orgasm can be the pinnacle of feeling good in sex,” Mason said. “I also think that for a lot of people, that's kind of how they judge if sex was good, they use it as a way of determining if the sex met the goal or not.”

To use pleasure as the measure is to be in tune with your mental, emotional and physical state, or in other words, to practice mindfulness. Mason defines mindfulness as “creating a mental space where you are allowed to just exist rather than creating thoughts, feelings or experiences.” Thoughts, feelings and experiences of self-consciousness and performance anxiety are examples of how your mind may be creating distractions during sexual experiences.    

"If you're struggling with feelings of distraction or maybe feeling overwhelmed in sex, mindfulness can really help to keep you in the experience and in your body,” Mason said. “Mindfulness can also help to keep you from subconsciously overriding thoughts or feelings that you might be having that are important to let come up." 

Practicing mindfulness starts outside of the bedroom. For beginners, Payfer recommends breathing and sensory exercises such as holding a stone in your hand and noticing the way it feels. Mason suggests building off traditional mindfulness practices by taking a guided approach through courses available online.  

"I think it can be really beneficial for people to go through a more educational practice,” Mason said. “I really recommend using the ‘Waking Up’ app or ‘Ten Percent Happier,’ both of which have beginner courses and that can really help you to incorporate mindfulness in ways that are more ingrained and comprehensive."

 Aided with the tool of mindfulness, orgasm is supported by pleasure and awaits anyone willing to try. The tale of the humble but mighty orgasm starts here, in a safe and nurturing space. Open conversations around sex are essential to creating a sex-positive environment.

“Talking about sex at times where you're not having sex can be really helpful,” Mason suggests. “During sex, it can often feel really vulnerable or challenging to find the right words, so having conversations outside of that time can help to decrease the stress around it and make it feel like it's easier to talk about." 

For Payfer, seeking out information and engaging in open conversation about sexuality and sexual health empowered them to consider a career in the field. 

“I think that with more conversation around sex, more comfortability with it, it's going to be safer. It's going to be more enjoyable for people,” Payfer said. 

The story of the female orgasm is a tale that resonates with everyone. Just as every hero realizes their own potential through adversity and overcoming challenges, the female orgasm, too, is on her own journey to climax, armed with the tools of mindfulness and sex-positivity.