Connecting the Dots of Adoption

STORY BY BECCA FREIMUTH
photo by Jake Parrish | infographics by Hannah Johnson
(above) Raised by adoptive parents, 22-year-old Drew Fisher met his biological mother for the first time in 2010, and his biological father in 2014.

[blockquote type=”left, center, right”]Man builds a relationship with his birth parents[/blockquote]

[dropcap]N[/dropcap]erves got the best of 18-year-old Drew Fisher as he sped up the highway on his way to Snohomish Falls. “It was just bad luck,” Fisher says as he remembers the speeding ticket he received that spring day in 2010. Although the cop had no sympathy for him, Fisher continued on his way up to the falls for a very important meeting. He looked around as he parked, and his eyes connected with the back of a woman who stood next to a Subaru.

“Oh, that’s her for sure,” Fisher, now 22, recalls.

As he approached the woman in her mid-30s, his nerves grew stronger and he forgot all about the inconvenient ticket he attained earlier. As she turned around, a smile inched across her face.

“You look just like your father with your nose and curly hair,” she said.

For the first time, Fisher met his biological mother.

Fisher grew up in Redmond, Washington with his adoptive parents and older brother who was also adopted. Both boys never thought about their adoptions because their parents were very open about it from the beginning, says Fisher’s brother Ryan.

While Ryan only received cards on Christmas and birthdays, Fisher maintained communication with his biological mother throughout his childhood through letters. With their adoptive parents’ support both boys met their biological mothers when they turned 18.

Since then Ryan, 27, has not increased communication with his biological mother.

“I know I could call her and talk to her at anytime,” he says. “I’ve just had a rough past ten years, so it’s just the last thing on my mind.”

He knows little about his biological father since all his birth mother remembers is his first name. Finding out more information about his father could answer some of his remaining questions, Ryan says.

A MEDIATED ADOPTION

Both the boys’ adoptions were mediated adoptions, which is a form of an open adoption. These types of adoptions are becoming a new standard to the adoption process. The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute conducted a survey in 2012 based on 100 adoption agencies. About 40 percent of the 14,000 to 18,000 infant adoptions were mediated adoptions, according to the survey. In a mediated adoption, the child and parent have no direct contact with each other but the agency facilitates the exchange of pictures and letters.

Fisher is unsure about what agency his adoption was through.

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CREATING AN ADOPTION PLAN AT OAFS

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The birth mother looks at prescreened families she wants to learn more about

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She then looks at an online “family book” — a collection of photos and questionnaire answers — of her top choices

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The birth mom chooses a family to meet and begins to build a friendship with them

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If the birth mom finds a fitting family, a legal document outlining visitation is drawn up

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After the baby is born, an “entrustment ceremony” is performed as the baby joins his or her adoptive family

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Agencies such as Open Adoption and Family Services, located in Seattle, promote expanding what an open adoption looks like. OAFS focuses on merging two extended families, says Shari Levine the executive director of the agency. The term open adoption has become an umbrella term for many different forms of adoption, she says.

“What we found to be the most successful open adoptions are when the people who are involved are truly empowered to create their own healthy relationship,” Levine says.

LINKING PARALLELS

When Fisher turned 18, his adoptive mother handed him an old cardboard shoe box. Inside he found dozens of letters from his biological mother, written when she was pregnant with him.

“I was 18 at the time, and she was 18 when she wrote them. It was just kind of like a time capsule,” Fisher says. “I think this is what really made me want to know her because I found out so much more.”

[pullquote cite=”Shari Levine” type=”left, right”]”When she lands on a decision, she will feel like it was a decision that was hers and a decision that she feels good about.”[/pullquote]

Through these letters he began to see parallels between their lives. He discovered she enjoyed listening to Led Zeppelin, her favorite foods and her passion for outdoor adventure. He saw pictures of her in the places that he had visited and her as a YoungLife camp counselor at the same camp he had attended.

At this time, Fisher’s passion was skiing. He would drop everything and move anywhere if it meant a good season of fresh snow on the mountain. He saw pictures of his biological mother skiing and discovered they had a similar passion — a commitment to adventure.

In the letters, she explained how her pregnancy was a blessing and was happening for a reason, Fisher says.

“She really wanted to convey that in the letters,” he says. “She couldn’t have been more mature and adult-like about what her child was going to read however many years later.”

He knew he had to meet her.

OPEN ADOPTION AND FAMILY SERVICES

On average, OAFS successfully completes 40 adoptions per year. With a pool of 60–85 adoptive families waiting, the agency is contacted by 350 expecting parents for “options counseling” every year, Levine says.

For 30 years, OAFS has been a pro-choice agency, meaning the birthmother has the right to explore her three options: keep the baby, adoption or abortion. Ninety-five percent of adoption agencies are religiously affiliated, which makes OAFS unique in the world of adoption agencies, Levine says.

“When she lands on a decision, she will feel like it was a decision that was hers and a decision that she feels good about,” Levine says. If the expecting mother doesn’t choose adoption, OAFS gives her the resources she needs.

Although the average number of visits a birthmother has after the baby is born is two to four with OAFS, they do not expect every adoption to follow this model. The birthmother might go through different stages throughout her life, Levine says.

“If she decides she doesn’t want the ongoing contact she doesn’t have to access it,” she says. “But what we’ve found is birth parents aren’t like that, they are curious beings who want to know.”

Working with OAFS that option is always available because all the adoptive parents genuinely want an ongoing relationship with the birthmother, she says.

ANOTHER MEETING

Fisher knew nothing about his biological father until June 2014 when he made the effort to connect with him, four years after meeting his biological mother.

“It was pretty easy,” Fisher says about finding his birthfather’s information. He googled the name and found a number on a website for his biological father’s rental property.

As the phone rang, Fisher remembers feeling as if he was knocking on his neighbor’s door about to explain how his baseball went through their window.

“It was kind of that feeling almost, that ‘Please don’t answer the phone so I can leave a message, so I don’t have to talk to you,’” Fisher says. “That nervous excitement, erring on the side of not wanting them to answer. But then it happens.”

Over the past six months, Fisher has continued building his relationship with his biological father. The first time they met, his father repeatedly expressed how thankful he was that Fisher contacted him, Fisher says.

“He figured that after 22 years, I was never going to contact him if I didn’t do it right when I was 18,” he says.

NEXT STEP

Fisher continues to build his relationship with his birthparents based on their similar core beliefs and mutual love for adventure and nature. He says they are more like long-lost siblings than his parents.

“The fact that my biological parents are happy to be a part of my life and want to see me do well and keep in touch, it’s a really good feeling,” Fisher says. If it had been a closed adoption he would have felt less wanted and more abandoned, he says.

His adoption has given him more respect for the process and is thankful that he wasn’t brought up in a broken home, Fisher says.

“I would consider myself very fortunate to have regular contact with my biological mother and father,” Fisher says. “They are healthy relationships with really great people, and they will continue to grow.”

As Fisher looks into the future he sees his relationships with his biological parents continually growing. He has not met either of his birth parents’ spouses and hopes that will be the next step to these special relationships in his life.

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