Positively Terrifying: How a Political Debate Became My Reality
Anonymous Personal Essay
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Abortion is a loaded word. It’s a medical procedure but it’s also a political debate that can be extremely polarizing. The word itself questions the very definition of what life is. This topic can be debated forever. The reality is there is no right answer. For me, having an abortion was the most right answer I could find.
Two years ago, this spring, I had an abortion. I had been hooking up with someone very casually for a couple of weeks. We were not in a committed relationship; we weren’t even good friends. I was always a little forgetful when it came to taking my daily birth control pill. I had never had a pregnancy scare before though, so I wasn’t too worried. The tricky thing about pregnancy tests is the timing. If you take one too soon, it will read negative because the hormones in your body haven’t adjusted enough to show a positive reading. Timing is important when taking the morning after pill too. This must be done as soon as possible after having unprotected sex. Otherwise, the chemicals in the pill will not be able to do their job. I fell right in the gap. The first pregnancy test I took read negative because I took it too soon after conception, but when I took the morning after pill it wasn’t soon enough. I missed the boat on both ends.
After seeing the negative read on the test, I assumed everything was fine and went about my life. One day, while shopping at Fred Meyer, I passed the pregnancy test aisle. A strange instinct came over me to grab a box and double-check my negative result.
I took the test home that sunny afternoon in April, went to the upstairs bathroom and waited and waited until I finally had to pee. As I saw the reading on the little white stick show up, I began to feel sick. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never thought it would be me in this situation. I was 19 and pregnant.
Just as I was leaving the bathroom, one of my roommates came upstairs. She immediately knew something was wrong from the look on my face. I showed her what I had in my hand. We hugged while I cried. “I’m so scared,” were the only words that could come out of my mouth.
A million questions ran through my head. Who should I tell? How will they react? What is the next step? How far into the pregnancy am I? How soon can I get an appointment at Planned Parenthood? How soon can this all be over?
Once I began to get my thoughts together I wanted to make sure the second result was right. I took another pregnancy test my roommate had stashed in her bedroom. I was close with my roommates and told all three of them. They were unsure of what to do but knew I needed their support no matter what decision I made. This could have been any of us. Women ages 15 through 19 have the highest rate of unintended pregnancy of any age group, according to a 2011 study by the Alan Guttmacher Institute. Nearly half of all pregnancies in the United States are unintended, according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute and Planned Parenthood. This means there were 2.8 million unintended pregnancies in 2011. That’s 2.8 million women who have to decide which route they will take: parenting, adoption or abortion.
For me, the decision wasn’t that difficult. I have always been pro-abortion rights and I knew at that point in my life, 19 years old, a sophomore in college, there was no way I could take care of a child. Let alone did I want to.
I called Planned Parenthood the day I took the tests and scheduled an appointment for an official pregnancy test. At the appointment, the results were the same. I talked to the doctor at length about my various options. State law requires clinics to give pregnant women a full rundown of all their choices. I had told the doctor right off the bat, if the results are positive I want to schedule an abortion. My mind was made up and I am truly grateful I didn’t have lingering qualms about whether to do it or not. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have religious or political influences that differed from what I knew I needed for myself.
An abortion is not usually an emergency procedure. This is something no one thinks about unless they’ve gone through this experience themselves. You have to schedule the appointment a few weeks out. In the meantime, you have to go right back to your everyday life. One of the strangest feelings was being on campus, working on homework or hanging out with friends and having this secret that was physically inside me.
I told a select group of friends who I was very close with and they were all supportive of me doing what I wanted and needed to do. I am grateful I didn’t have anyone in my life who tried to convince me out of what I knew I needed. The support and kindness I received from the few people I confided in was incredible. Without them, this experience would have been much more traumatic and isolating.
When the day arrived for my scheduled appointment, one of my closest friends drove me to the clinic. She held my hand during the whole procedure. Having her there for physical and emotional support was important. As we drove back home that day, I was filled with relief. I made the choice; the procedure was done and now I could focus on recovering from all this.
The debilitating anxiety I had been feeling since I had read the first positive pregnancy test was retreating. My life was going to be OK.
Healing happens in stages and in circles. There were certainly a few nights of crying myself to sleep and entire days of sadness as time passed. I became even more sure that the decision I had made was the right one for me as I continued to heal from the process.
I know this story might make me sound heartless and selfish. At 19, selfish was what I needed to be. I look back on this event in my life sporadically. When I do, I wonder what would have happened to me if I had made a different choice. What if that choice was made for me by laws restricting my access to reproductive care? I know I would not be where I am today, one quarter away from graduating with a big, beautiful world waiting for me.