Bad Vegan
My reality of transitioning to a vegan lifestyle
Personal essay and podcast by KAITLIN ESLINGER
[embed]https://soundcloud.com/kaitlin-eslinger/bad-vegan/s-7XAsO[/embed]
The first death to make a lasting impact on me was the death of our family dog, Zan. My parents broke the news to me once I returned home from a weekend-long trip across the state for my high school’s wrestling tournament.
Tears began to roll down my flushed cheeks. I sat hunched over on our front porch for hours, with my face buried in the fur of our other dog, Taz, who was trying his best to console me.
My parents eventually called me in for dinner, and we silently ate the meatloaf in front of us.
The irony was lost on me at the time.
The first time I stopped eating meat was in seventh grade. A month-long dare ended up lasting two years. It was a personal experiment of willpower more than anything. I gave up my short stint as a vegetarian my freshman year of high school when it stopped being a priority for me.
It became a priority again shortly after Zan died. I couldn’t justify the tears shed and the gut-wrenching heartbreak I felt crying over the loss of my friend while I continued to contribute to the mass exploitation and killing within the animal agriculture industry.
But my priorities kept changing over the years, and it became my on-again, off-again lifestyle.
It wasn’t until last year when a moment of clarity finally stuck with me. I felt my best when I wasn’t consuming any type of animal products. It was time for me to transition toward a vegan lifestyle. I just knew.
The first step was researching this complex and oftentimes contested topic. During the first week of my transition, I couldn’t help but feel the pressure to execute this lifestyle perfectly. Consuming animal products not only applies to diet, but also the use of animal-based goods like leather bags, down comforters and beeswax lip balm — all of which I still used.
Although my fridge was full of leafy greens and tofu, every other room in my apartment was scattered with animal products from another life. I was starting to feel like a bad vegan.
It wasn’t until I accidentally ate a garden burger with egg used as binder that I discovered what was holding me back: I’m only able to live the most realistic vegan life for myself.
The society we live in sets us up to fail. Jell-O is made from boiled-down animal bones, and the red food coloring used in many off-the-shelf products is made from crushed up bugs. Yet, the words gelatin and cochineal dye are hidden in a list of ingredients that doesn’t effectively inform consumers.
It’s unrealistic to be perfect when drastically overhauling your entire life. Instead of feeling like a failure after eating the garden burger, I tried to remind myself why I wanted to be vegan.
Going just one day without consuming animal products saves 1,100 gallons of water, 40 pounds of grain, 30 square feet of forest, 20 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions and the life of one animal.
If I make a mistake, what I have saved isn’t all undone. If I continue to use the leather bag, down comforter and beeswax lip balm I’ve already purchased, what I have saved isn’t all undone. I can only do what is practical for my lifestyle. And that reality is different for every single person.