A Trip to Remember
My journey with psychedelics, and how they are reasserting their position as effective treatments for mental illness in the scientific community
Story by Anonymous
Editor’s note: The author has chosen to remain anonymous because psilocybin remains criminalized in the state this story was published in.
I choreograph dances on my arms with my fingers, hugging myself gently, but with purpose. My breaths are gentle. Each one feels important. My skin is inorganic, soft fabric stretched over a sturdy frame. When I close my eyes, I see a universe of stars exploding, their particles stretching in geometric patterns. When I open my eyes, my room holds me in shades of lilac and pastel pink.
“I love you,” I whisper to myself, as if it’s my own little secret. For the first time in a long time, I am confident in those three words. Outside, the emerald green of the trees is especially vibrant. The sky is an arresting blue. So crisp and clean and detailed; it’s like I am wearing glasses, only these glasses aren’t prescription.
They’re psilocybin mushrooms, and I’m four hours deep in a psychedelic trip.
I began taking mushrooms recreationally in 2017, partly due to pressure from my friends and partly due to rampant curiosity. My first trip was mild and uneventful; I didn’t hallucinate, so I was determined to try again.
When I took them again a few months later, I was hit with an uncontrollable fit of laughter and a startlingly fast descent into visual distortions. I could tell I was coming up by the urgent and bubbly sensation in my stomach. I remember asking my roommate if her hot pink blanket was on fire, and when I went to the bathroom, the flamingos on our hand towel came to life and strode off.
As hours dripped on, I melted into the floor, then onto my roof, then into my friends. I named curious things I saw like a child would, simply and innocently. When a man walked through the alley with a musical set of keys attached to his utility belt, I aptly named him Mr. Jingly Jangs.
As I experimented more often, I settled into the overwhelming and recurring feeling of euphoria and absolute clarity.
When a man walked through the alley with a musical set of keys attached to his utility belt, I aptly named him Mr. Jingly Jangs.
I live with generalized anxiety and panic disorder. Though I take medication to manage my symptoms, sometimes I’m struck with untriggered bouts of intense panic, complete with heart palpitations, hyperventilation and nausea. However, for up to two months following a trip, I experience few to no panic attacks. I notice a significant increase in positivity and productivity. I was never inclined to maintain a clean room until the months following my first trip, when I began straightening my room every day and making my bed because the clutter became uncomfortable. It was a small but tangible difference in my daily routine.
I cannot say for certain my mental health improved solely because of psychedelic use, but placebo effect or not, the positive changes after a trip are noticeable and bountiful.
And I am not alone in reaping the benefits of psychedelics. Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann accidentally discovered LSD in 1938 while experimenting with lysergic acid. The iteration of lysergic acid, LSD-25, was initially dismissed. But Hofmann was intrigued by the chemical and five years later, he resynthesized LSD-25, becoming the first person to experience an acid trip when the chemical was absorbed through his fingertips.
As he came down, Hofmann described that “everything glistened and sparkled in a fresh light. The world was as if newly created.”
Already a founding father in psychedelic research, Hofmann also isolated psilocybin, the psychoactive chemical in around 100 species of mushrooms in 1957. Though psilocybin was brought into Western scientific purview in the 1950s, the chemical has been used for thousands of years for religious and medicinal purposes in indigenous cultures around the world.
Initial studies on the effects of psilocybin and LSD showed the chemicals to be useful in treating addiction, PTSD, depression and anxiety. Several studies on the positive effects of psilocybin mushrooms on mental health in the early 2000s marked the beginning of the second-wave of psychedelic research. Participants given psilocybin experienced an increase in altruism, mood about self and feelings of spirituality for up to six months following the experiment.
Psychedelic advocates are hopeful for the future of natural pharmacology. Activists in cities across the U.S. are working to decriminalize psilocybin mushrooms in an effort to begin the long road to legalization.
Like any mind-altering substance, moderation is key. Just as you wouldn’t drink 10 cups of coffee in one sitting and expect to be functional, you wouldn’t take several handfuls of psilocybin mushrooms every day and expect a normal existence.
A good trip can be more therapeutic than therapy, more insightful than meditation and more peaceful than sleep.
But if you did take a handful of magic mushrooms, there isn’t much to worry about. Psychedelics are situational drugs, meaning a “bad trip” is usually caused by an uncomfortable environment or who you are with.
Contrary to popular belief, there is no scientific evidence correlating psychedelic use to psychosis or increased likelihood of mental illness. Quite the opposite, in fact. In a 2013 study conducted with nearly 22,000 participants, there was no notable negative effect of lifetime psychedelic use on mental health. But there was ample scientific evidence that psychedelic use was correlated with a lower rate of mental illness.
Although I haven’t been subjected to rigorous scientific testing on the effects of psychedelics, I can attest to their personal impact. I am familiar with the way I treat myself during a trip and in the months following: kind and gentle. I can feel the atmosphere of the room, brimming with boundless love for each other. A good trip can be more therapeutic than therapy, more insightful than meditation and more peaceful than sleep.
I awake to the parts of myself I dismiss: self-love, confidence, patience, perseverance, wonder.
One by one they resurface, passionate and stronger each time.