I won’t apologize

It’s time for women to stop apologizing for taking up space.

Illustration by Bella Coronado

by Kaleigh Carroll

Sorry, I don’t want to take up too much of your time but if you could just read this sentence I would really appreciate it. Sorry again for bothering you.

Written out, that sentence seems ridiculous. It spends more time apologizing for some nonexistent offense than it does conveying an idea. Yet, it’s how many women speak in meetings, conversations and nearly everywhere else. It’s almost instinctual, and it’s something I’m not immune to either, but that doesn’t mean that we as women can’t escape it.

Eighteen: the number of times I apologized during one meeting.

I hadn’t arrived late, interrupted another person or even committed some long string of social faux pas. I had simply spoken aloud, but to me, that was enough of a reason to repeat “sorry.”

How was I going to express my passions if the act of clicking my unmute button and speaking almost impulsively called forth an apology?

I wasn’t. I was trapped in a cycle of reducing myself and my ideas with no one to pull me out.

Zero: that’s the number of times anyone in the all-female meeting told me I had no reason to apologize.

My repetitive “sorry’s” didn’t seem out of place as they mingled with the automatic apologies of the other women. Looking back, I realize this is a common scenario.

There seems to be an, ironically, unspoken understanding that women apologize more than men. It’s something I became aware of when I took a psychology of gender class. It was one of our first assignments: track how many times you say “sorry” in a day. At the time, it had seemed simple and a little pointless.

How much did I really apologize in a day? It turns out, a lot.

As I sat in meetings, attended classes and talked with friends, the “sorry’s” piled up quicker than I could count.

Fumbling with my card at the checkout counter: Ding.

Asking another question in class: Ding.

Oddly enough, being interrupted by another person: Ding.

It wasn’t just me. The women around me were equally compelled to throw out apologies as if they were placeholders for the natural “um’s” and “uh’s” that populate conversations. Anecdotally, the evidence of this phenomenon can be found all over the internet (even in shampoo commercials), but the research isn’t as conclusive.

A 2010 study from the University of Waterloo looked at whether women apologize more by having both men and women keep a daily log of offenses they committed and the number of apologies they issued.

Overall, they found that while women offered more apologies, they also reported committing more offenses. Proportionally, the two groups were equal when it came to the ratio of offenses to apologies.

For psychology professor Karina Schumann, who co-wrote the study, these findings highlight the need for civility in the face of conflict.

“I hope that people attribute less malicious intent to each other,” Schumann said. “If you haven’t received an apology from someone — regardless of their gender — it might not reflect a lack of concern on their part, but rather a lack of awareness.”

Why, then, is there a difference in total apologies?

According to the study, “men apologize less frequently than women do because they have higher thresholds for what constitutes offensive behavior.”

Does that mean men are to blame for women’s over-apologizing? I don’t think so.

There must be someone to point a finger at, right?

Who’s the common enemy we can all rally against? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there isn’t one.

Past research has pointed to everything from early-childhood socialization to the male ego as the reason behind women’s over-apologizing, but the evidence used doesn’t hold up to scrutiny.

If we want things to change, we need to take charge.

To put your habits into perspective, start by counting the number of times you apologize in a day and make a concerted effort to lower that number. Support the women around you by, kindly, calling out their apologies with a simple, “no need to apologize.”

Women have the right to take up space and not soften their ideas for the benefit of others. We deserve to express our passion without apology.

“There’s a lot more work that needs to be done to develop a more complete understanding of the effects of apologizing for men and women,” Schumann said.

“Under what conditions and in what situations are apologies problematic versus helpful for women? Do men reap benefits or face consequences for apologizing in certain contexts?” are among the questions Schumann wants to see explored in future research.

For now, women should apologize for their mistakes, not their existence.