Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

The mortifying truths about growing up and getting laid

Story by Morgan Merriam

Almost all of us do it, we all know it happens and we’re all here because of it, so why are we so afraid to talk about sex?

These reservations are often a product of long-standing pushback against sex ed in the U.S., according to Bellingham-based sex therapist Tracy Dahlstedt.

Sex ed has been a contentious issue in the U.S. since it first began in the early 20th century, as maintained in “The Sex Ed Wars Will Never End,” a 2022 article published by Politico.

“We keep seeing these cycles of reactivity bouncing back and forth between conservatism and liberalism,” Dahlstedt said. “This issue in particular tends to get caught up in the center of those political conflicts.”

This phenomenon, which Dahlstedt termed a “political hot potato,” picks apart sex education, preying on and politicizing individual issues while demonizing sex ed as a whole. This further ignores the overarching purpose of sex education, which goes beyond the pursuit of pleasure.

“When we’re talking about sex education, we’re also talking about body education and being able to learn about our own bodies,” explained Clare Bretschnieder, a former peer-educator in sex education. “When you don’t know vital information about your own body, it’s so difficult to navigate the world.”

Where to look for info (and why it’s important)

If you’re looking to learn about sex, chances are you’re probably making a beeline for old reliable: Google.

Illustration by Sofie Pichler

When it comes to using the internet as a source, the general consensus is split. Having such an accessible resource can be a huge asset, but the web is also a swamp of misinformation. Websites adolescents may turn to for sexual health information often have inaccurate information, according to an 2017 research report published by the Guttmacher Institute. In its recent study of 177 sexual health websites, 46% of websites addressing contraception and 35% of websites addressing abortion were found to contain inaccuracies.

So how do we avoid misinformation while still fighting for the right to be educated? Critical consumption.

In a world of infinite information, understanding how to evaluate the media we are fed is becoming increasingly necessary. To actively and critically consume any media, Dahlstedt recommends working through the following guiding questions:

1. Where is this message coming from? Are they reputable? What belief systems or financial incentives are attached to this message?
2. What is your emotional reaction to the source? Slow down and tune in to how the information is making you feel.
3. What do other sources say? Is the information being shared consistent with other findings?

When it comes to the ethics of consuming sex-based media, there’s a vast range of perspectives.

From takes on sexual autonomy to pornography, there is plenty to consider, especially when consuming sex media for the purpose of pleasure. No matter where you may align yourself, it’s vital that you remember good practices: Before you consume, educate yourself.

Finding what feels good

MASTURBATION. Masturbation. Masturbation. Masturbation. Say it. I promise it’s OK.

Masturbation (say it again) is defined as “the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own genitals, especially to orgasm” or, simply put, sexual self-gratification. For most people, masturbation can be a touchy topic, according to Dahlstedt. Many find themselves clinging to values that perceive masturbation as shameful, “despite well-documented individual, relational and health benefits,” as reported in a 2020 study by the National Library of Medicine.

Myths surrounding who can and can’t masturbate and those that advertise it as self-indulgent or even a cause of infertility only perpetuate this harmful narrative of masturbation. When it comes down to it, investing in your own pleasure doesn’t have to feel dirty or embarrassing, and what masturbation looks like can be different for each individual.

“Every[one’s] body has different needs to keep it happy and healthy,” explained Ellie Nelson, an undergraduate at Western Washington University.

No matter how you get off, Dahlstedt recommends creating a comfortable and arousing space for yourself. Putting in a little energy to ensure an enjoyable time is the recipe for success.

“Be a little more exploratory, [try new] experiences, take more time,” she said. “[It’s not] only about having an orgasm. ... [It’s about] what feels good.”

For more information on finding what feels good, Dahlstedt recommends tuning into the Mindful Masturbation episodes of “Speaking of Sex,” a podcast by Pleasure Mechanics.

The E-word: Erections

“There’s a lot of misconceptions about how erections and penises are supposed to work,” Dahlstedt said. “When it comes to sex, [there’s this] idea that penises are supposed to be really big and really erect at any moment where there could be opportunity for sex.”

Despite sweeping generalization and exaggerations, erectile dysfunction is a normal phenomenon. “Most men occasionally fail to get or keep an erection” due to stress, exhaustion or excessive drinking, according to the U.K National Health Service.

While erectile dysfunction can be evidence of an underlying health issue, in most cases it should not be a point of concern for those who experience it.

“For men, they come to see their bodies, and particularly their penises, as defective or dysfunctional because they don’t look like porn penises and they don’t function that way,” Dahlstedt said.

When it comes to the performance of penises, there isn’t a single narrative for everyone. Because of this, understanding how your own or your partner’s penis functions, what can interfere with performance and what they need to feel good is vital to a pleasurable and comfortable experience.

“I tried hooking up with people and every time I couldn’t stay hard. ... It was something that would happen every time I was hooking up and eventually it was discouraging enough that I [didn’t] want to ... It made me nervous every time after that I would have sex,” explained Nate Strach, a former Western Washington University undergraduate student. “Eventually I realized [I just need] that emotional connection and that sex isn’t so casual for me, whereas for some people it is.”

Real talk on contraceptives

According to the Guttmacher Institute, only 20 states and D.C. require that education be provided on contraception — less than half of the nation. When it comes to contraception, many people think it’s as easy as hopping on a pill, but the reality is rarely that simple.

“You’ll see people open up their birth control box and then pull out the instructions and it’s just fucking huge. It’s ridiculous the amount of side effects and I feel like a lot of people don’t really know about it or fully understand it,” Nelson said.

Aside from a general understanding of contraception as a concept, there is a clear lack of information surrounding the subject when it comes to contraceptive options, potential side effects and more. In fact, in a 2014 study published by the National Library of Medicine, it was found that “there were substantial deficits in awareness of contraceptive methods, as well as in method-specific knowledge” in women.

With so many options available, making decisions about what contraceptive is best for you can be increasingly difficult when starting at a young age.

“When you’re so young, your brain’s not even developed enough to know what you’re getting yourself into. That’s a lot for a teenage girl. I just wish we’d talked about a little bit more, because it’s not all sunshine and roses and birth control is perfect,” Bretschnieder explained.

Making information on birth control more accessible is the first step toward a better birth control experience for everyone. For more information on birth control methods, you can visit Planned Parenthood’s Birth Control page. Additionally, Western students can access Western Wears Condoms via the Counseling and Wellness Center and apply to receive a Sexual Health Pleasure Package of condoms, lube, dental dams and safer sex info for increasing your sexual pleasure, free of charge.

Navigating sexual communication

People just don’t want to talk about sex anymore... even with their partners.

Illustration by Sofie Pichler

Amid our current cultural attitudes around sex, many may find themselves avoiding sexual communication in an effort to preemptively ward off feelings of embarrassment, shame, anxiety and guilt, according to a 2022 academic study distributed by the National Library of Medicine.

Unfortunately for them, research and clinical data have shown that couples with a lack of sexual communication can be vulnerable to sexual issues, as reported in a 2019 study published by The Journal of Sex Research.

Sex, as it pertains to you, isn’t something that can be taught in a classroom setting, Dahlstedt explained. It’s deeply personal and a huge part of a person’s life. As such, it takes effort and time for you and your sexual partners to understand.

Common narratives around how to achieve an orgasm, for example, are not one-size-fits-all. Learning to achieve this pleasure with a partner (if that’s your goal) as opposed to by oneself can also be staggeringly different experiences.

“[After first] having a partner, I learned, ‘Oh, there are different things that I like. Oh, I have an open mind to this,’ because I never really had experienced sex before.” Strach explained. “Once I did, I [realized that] this is entirely different from just having an orgasm. It’s an entirely different situation to be having sex. My interests are different.”

By opening up the lines of communication, you are providing your partner with the tools they need to provide you both with a more enjoyable experience.

“[A previous partner of mine] was very open about what he likes sexually and [would ask] me about my preferences and that was something that was weird for me because I’ve never had a conversation about it,” Nelson explained. “I feel that’s something that should be more normalized, so that you know each other’s boundaries.”

Sex educator Al Vernacchio breaks down sexual communication like ordering pizza in his TED Talk, “Sexuality Education.” When you order a pizza with someone, you’re going to ask them whether they want to have pizza, what kind of pizza they like, how much they feel like eating, and so on. The same applies to a conversation you may have with your partner prior to a sexual encounter.

Whether you’re in the act, prior to or following, Dahldest offers these tips for facilitating communication:

1. Remember that sex is a valuable place of learning — you can’t know everything.
2. If something feels good, say something!
3. If something is uncomfortable or hurts, be direct. This can be as simple as one word (such as “softer” or “slower”).
4. Instead of simply critiquing your partner, offer up suggestions and don’t be afraid to demonstrate how you like something (such as “can I show you how I like to kiss?”).
5. During a sexual encounter, guiding your partner’s hand to show them where you want to be touched can be an effective form of silent communication.
6. Validate your partner and your attraction to them. At the end of the day, we all need a little reassurance sometimes.

Getting behind the wheel

Sex and sex education are like driving, according to Dahlstedt. Driving a car can be dangerous. But still, we as a society have endorsed driving as a right for people of a certain age. Instead of punishing people for driving, we have laws and training programs to help support them and ensure that they will be safe drivers. So why is it so hard for us to consistently do the same when it comes to sex ed?

“I think that we’re so far behind in thinking about how we might approach sexual activity as a thing that people do and as part of growing up — [in providing] support to help people know what it’s about, and how to navigate it in the most safe and positive ways that they can,” Dahlstedt said.

People deserve to understand their own bodies, and the only thing these cycles of shame accomplish is making us ill-informed and ill-equipped for what’s out there. The right to be educated and find connection with our bodies is something we can all fight for by starting the conversation. So go get educated, get talkin’ and get laid.