The Emergence from the Social Chameleon

Through understanding myself, I started standing out rather than tried to blend in.

Illustration by Natalie McNulty

Written by Julia Kohut

The Creation

When chameleons change color, they aren’t always changing to blend in with their surroundings. The little cells underneath the top layer of pigmented cells separate to show colors as an indicator of reactions and emotions of the chameleon. The chameleon can control the spacing of the cells, shifting the perceived color seen by the human eye.

As you break down the origin, chameleon is derived from the Greek root “chamai” which means “on the ground,” and “leon,” which means “lion”. These “on the ground lions” are small but fierce, since they’ve evolved to adapt to a perpetually changing environment. Whether it’s their skin cells adjusting, or their bodies swaying on a tree branch to mimic the environment, they have a heightened sense of what’s going on around them.

Just like chameleons, I was a professional adapter.

I coined the phrase “social chameleon” when I was aware of my adaptability in social groups. When I tell people I am a social chameleon, people assume I try to adapt to be accepted.

Mark Snyder is a social psychology professor at the University of Minnesota who studies the universal need to be accepted. His description of social chameleonism is to create an inauthentic image of yourself in the minds of others to feel included. He credits poet W.H. Arden for this feeling, who changed images of himself between private and public environments.

Social chameleons become what others expect them to be. My love for people was the reason for my adaptability. Sure, I want to be accepted just like the next person, but I was more interested in picking people’s brains, craving novelty in conversation. I adapted to too many groups that I lost sight of who I was.

When I was young, making friends came easy to me. I’ve always had a variety of friends, and the closest ones always used to tease me: “You know everyone,” or “You’re lonely? But you have so many friends who love you!”

People describe me as a friendly-little-weirdo with an incredibly kind heart. People then expected me to be kind all the time. I was trying to respect people, trying to match their energy in order for a relationship to grow. The tallest trees have roots outside of the planter box.

For years I paused my words when I was interrupted, kept in jars that accumulated dust in my mind. I would stop myself mid-sentence because I was more curious about other people’s thoughts rather than my own. It’s not that I was afraid to speak — I just wasn’t patient and kind to myself. Even in my journal I wouldn’t finish my thoughts there either.

I’ve always believed that it’s in our nature as humans, that we must learn, take away or interact with other people. Listening to others became the ability to capture a person’s spirit through exchanging words filled with emotion, or no emotion at all. A good listener always becomes a good learner, and a good learner becomes a good teacher. However, since I barely talked about myself, I wasn’t teaching other people about who I was.

At one point, I thought I lost the essence of my personality by not allowing it space for myself. I became determined to state my opinion in social situations, make space for myself to allow for people to react to what I had to say. The reverse happened and I ended up losing friends by being too blunt and aggressive. So, where was the balance?

The Balance

When it comes to “all or nothing,” or “black or white” thinking, there’s always entitlement about what is universally right. My family has strong views, and I always held onto gray-area concepts. The gray areas are where social chameleons thrive. They thrive in situations where there isn’t a distinct side, so they are listening to both sides simultaneously and creating a new perspective or changing a new color. In order to come to that perspective, you have to take yourself out of the environment you are in.

After Donald Trump was elected, I was absolutely disgusted and enraged. I was more upset that my uncle voted for him. I reasoned his decision by the amount of money he had, living in a house by a lake with a speedboat in the carport. Some of Trump’s policies helped him, which is why he voted for him. At the end of the day, he wanted security. It was hard to see people tolerate the bigot. In most situations when we would talk about politics, I would simply leave. Unlike being in a physically-uncomfortable space, I wasn’t able to articulate myself to be in an emotionally-uncomfortable space.

I was able to break the connection between human essence and social value in order to fully experience other people. People’s position in life sometimes becomes their personality. They are rigid in their thoughts and fill their life with people who feel and act similarly. I was constantly looking for new perspectives because I didn’t want homogeneity in my life. I craved a challenge after realizing I was accommodating too much to other people.

When it came to people who didn’t share my values, it was hard to make space for myself to allow them the same courtesy to fully experience me. I would stop myself mid-sentence in order for people to finish rather than standing up for myself and finishing my thoughts. I wanted to get out of being a social chameleon.

The Emergence

“I don’t know at what point I started learning how to see and have this hyperfocus on multiple perspectives,” said my friend, Logan Hopkins. “I know I’ve gotten past the point of the downside of seeing multiple perspectives when you play devil’s advocate and see all perspectives at face value as if they all have equal worth.”

“I can see when someone has a shitty point of view or makes a stupid decision and I know when someone has a shitty justification,” he said. “You’re explaining your reasoning, but that’s not justifying your decision.”

As a chameleon changes colors to adapt, it’s OK to show colors people have never seen before. It’s OK to respect other people’s opinions and have your own. Just as chameleons are made to blend in to adapt, they are also fierce. As my friend Logan explained, it’s OK to be aware of bad decisions and justifications.

Having the courage to argue and talk about your perspective is how a social chameleon can make steps toward a better future for everyone who has a different point of view. They also create a safe space for those with a different point of view to show their colors, interpreting the emotion and justification from there too.

Sometimes I still stop myself mid-sentence. It’s going to take a while to relieve myself from the mental exhaustion of listening too much to other people. I don’t have to change my colors in order to be a part of the conversation.

I forgave myself for allowing thoughts to trickle off and never finish. I forgave myself for emphasizing other people over myself. I forgave myself for being a social chameleon. Respecting what I want came through not caring about my perceived value from other people. People’s expectations are not my responsibility to fulfill.

My emergence came from using kindness and empathy for other people and using it on myself. Kindness is the soil where compassion grows from. I was compassionate toward other people, which has allowed me to grow toward the next stage in my life. The ability to put less pressure on me started and ended with me.

Healing is never linear, but it all starts with acknowledging what you lack in order to gain what you want.