The Greatest Love of All
A letter to myself on my journey to discovering self-love (again) in the midst of darkness.
Written by Nina Claflin
Dear Nina,
Relationships come and go; that’s what people always say. You will meet a person and your whole world will stop. Eventually the relationship may come to an end, and although it’s hard, you’re meant to just soak yourself dismally in the aftermath, no matter how long it may take or how painful it may be.
Many people told you this — warned you of it, even — and it still happened. It’s inevitable, really. A relationship can simultaneously be the most wonderful yet painful experience all at the same time.
Not only were you left with the overwhelming sadness that accompanies heartbreak, but other issues as well — issues that were not tied to him as a person or how he acted around you, but issues that were a product of the relationship itself. Problems that consumed you so much that you believed there was no way you could move on.
Two years. That’s how long the relationship lasted. A year in, you were positive you were going to marry him. Two years in and you were trying to forget his name. You gave all you had to him, leaving nothing left for yourself.
When single again, you realized the extent of this damage. Putting yourself last and putting him first was what broke you.
Remember when you came home after a long day of nannying, the blisters on your feet from chasing the kids around piercing in pain, your head pounding with a migraine and your emotional energy completely drained? You could not bring yourself to say no to hanging out with him, your commitment and love so intense that you felt as if you didn’t even owe yourself a night of rest.
The other day, I read a piece from One Love Foundation. It said one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship is intensity. It described that when in a relationship, if one person is over-the-top or borderline obsessed with the other person, it can turn unhealthy and all-consuming. Your love for him was so intense and overcoming that the relationship itself became toxic.
Alternatively, one sign of a healthy relationship is independence, the One Love Foundation also said. Being independent in a relationship means that each person lives their own life while still supporting each other in the process. Your independence was not prioritized, which made the relationship unhealthy for the both of you.
When someone is in the state of completely belonging to somebody else, nothing else matters but that person. You began taking high doses of anxiety medication to help with the pain of it all, and you became so overwhelmingly affected by it that it started to affect your friendships with people on the outside. You became a ghost of yourself.
Despite being in a relationship with a truly good person, this sense of complete loss can still happen. You began to put yourself down, telling yourself that since you had gained weight, since your personality was too much, he didn’t want you anymore.
What now?
I wish someone would have told you this sooner, my past self:
It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t believe that someone could truly love you since you didn’t love yourself. You didn’t know how special you were.
I didn’t know how special I was. How special I am now.
I have been on the path to recovery for the past several months. I try everyday to surround myself with positive forces, from the people I spend time with to the music I cry to late at night, or the activities I occupy my time with. I try as much as possible to make every facet of my life something that makes me feel positive in some way.
I used to hate it when people said, “Just realize your self worth and you will be happy and be able to love again.” How am I supposed to do that? I can’t just wake up one day and tell myself I deserve to be deeply in love with myself again and expect myself to believe it.
It takes time. It takes being patient with yourself. It takes effort, and perseverance.
Relationships are remarkable. Strong feelings of love and adoration for another person is a powerful thing. Losing yourself in the process, however, is soul-crushing — detrimental even.
Your world may stop for him again, or another person further down the line. It may feel like nothing else matters, like you’ve reached the highest point in life because of how much you love them. I know you will feel like that again one day.
What I want you to remember, my past-self, is this:
Please make sure you are stopping the world for yourself, too.
With love,
You, still healing.