Learning to love myself through meditation

Written by Tyler Brown

Meditation was never something that I took seriously; it was always something that was more of a joke than it was a practice. But one day, during the end of my senior year of high school, I joined a group of students who were led by a friend of mine into guided meditation, and it gave me a calmness within the storms of my soul.

With meditation, I learned to love myself.

Something strange happened between the calming flute music and the feeling of being surrounded by a crowd of people that made me feel connected to everyone and everything all at once. I found my way into a mental state that I didn’t know existed.

Because I have ADHD, it can be challenging for me to maintain focus on something for very long. I often distract myself with some other means of stimulation, but this time was different.

My friend who led the class, Lindsey, starts off by having us all close our eyes and calm ourselves, really allowing ourselves to become open to the events about to transpire in our minds.

She describes centering yourself as if you are extending energy, like roots down into the earth, then extending energy upwards to the zenith in the sky. In my mind, I see gold streams of light pouring out of me in opposing directions.

She tells us to envision a tree with a large hole in it, a hole so deep and so big you might fall into it.

Then she tells us to do just that.

Falling through the darkness in my mind, I find myself tumbling like Alice down the rabbit hole, falling deeper and deeper into the absence of light.

Through my mind’s eye, I find a lush, green forest on a warm autumn day. The air smells fresh, as if it had just rained.

I hear Lindsey’s voice telling us — telling me — that this is what our mind tells us is our place of comfort, the place we envision ourselves most at peace with. How fitting that I should picture a rainforest in the Pacific Northwest.

Lindsey speaks again, telling us to turn and find an animal that is there only for us, a spirit guide.

A coyote jaunts towards me from around a tree. It has a mischievous look in its eye, and my mind tells me it is smirking. The coyote leans towards me as if it wants to be touched but pulls away. It then playfully circles back to me.

What Lindsey said next will live in my mind forever.

“This animal is here for a reason,” she says. “It has a message for you. Hear its message now.”

The coyote and I make eye contact and I hear a voice in my mind.

“Love yourself.”

I am overwhelmed with emotion, and my awareness of presence in space and time is a forgotten dream.

After the meditation, I wait patiently for the rest of the group to disperse and ask Lindsey their questions so I may ask mine as well. She is sitting on a table at the front of the classroom with legs crossed and wondrous, inviting eyes. I feel as though I were speaking to a guru.

My left hand sits on my chest as I ask her, “What does the spirit animal mean? Does it have a purpose?”

She explains to me its purpose is to tell us exactly what we need to hear.

I do not believe in the supernatural whatsoever. I believe there is a logical and scientific explanation for everything.

I do not believe in the magical healing properties of crystals, nor do I believe that our birth signs dictate any degree of destiny in our lives.

But in that moment, as I was coming out of guided meditation, I remember feeling a sense of calm I didn’t know I could have.

After some extensive research, I found that the coyote is best represented in spiritual books as a trickster or joker and that the god Coyote is a popularly-shared legend in many indigienous tribes across North America, according to the Journal of American Folklore.

Coyote is a paradoxical entity who finds pleasure in tricks and mischief but is also known for being the shaper of the world. He is responsible for the deep magic of life and creation itself.

The coyote totem is meant to represent finding wisdom in every corner of life. It represents the truth behind chaos and illusion. He often upsets others for revealing absolute truths behind the masks we all wear.

Coyote is a trickster indeed, but one who does not have malicious intent nor a desire to harm. Instead, he finds the world to be too serious a place, laughing in the face of life.

Taking this journey at the end of my high school years was cathartic for me in many ways. I would turn 18 just a month later and graduate the month after that. I was on my way to discovering adulthood and finding out all of the complications that come along with it.

I like to think that the journey I took was one that anyone can take. After all, the mind provides for us in ways that we may not even realize.

Allowing myself to open up to something new gave me a kind of inner peace. Perhaps the deepest recesses of my mind kept it locked away, simply waiting to find a door to walk through.

Today I remember the message the coyote had for me every day and remember that I deserve love. I deserve to love myself. Our minds, hearts and bodies can work in synchronicity, like cogs in a machine, moving us forward one step at a time.

Thinking of that meditation session always brings a smirk to my face, not unlike the expression of the coyote peeking out from behind the tree. It will be one memory I’m certain I won’t soon forget.