Facing Mortality

Enjoying life by accepting death

STORY BY JOSIAH UBBEN
photo by Annmarie Kent

Heidi Ruth is in the business of death, and her house is evidence of that. Photographs and ashes of departed loved ones form an altar for her ancestors. Her book collection includes “A Year to Live,” “A Celtic Book of Dying,” and “The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences.” Having witnessed dozens of deaths, she’s constantly reminded that everyone’s life has an expiration date, and her job is to prepare people for that transition.

Ruth, in her early 60s, describes herself as a “closet anthropologist turned death midwife.” For her first career, she taught applied linguistics at the University of Washington, and often traveled and wrote about language and culture.

These days, Ruth is a “death midwife” (a term used by various alternative death-care providers) who helps people deal with aging and death. She is involved in every aspect of a person’s passing.

“We’re like normal midwives who see people into the world, but we’re just at the other end of it — we see people out,” she explains.

Much of what she does as a death midwife revolves around the “nuts and bolts” of dying — how to put a body on ice and make it look beautiful by combing hair, bathing, brushing teeth and rearranging gestures.

She also assists in other areas, such as taking care of the deceased’s family and helping people overcome the American culture’s fear of death that’s spread during the last 200 years, she says.

“I believe you can’t have a really great aging if you’re in huge fear of death or in denial,” Ruth says.

One way that people are attempting to live life more fully is by openly talking about dying.

Sandy Stork, 71, founded Death Café in Whatcom County — an event where Ruth also volunteers. At this monthly event, people have conversations about death over coffee and cake. Jon Underwood started the original Death Café in London in 2011, and more than 300 of these groups now meet in the United States.

”The fundamental, driving mission is to create a safe place where people come together who are interested in talking about all aspects of end of life, death and dying and the afterlife,” Stork says.

It is open, non judgmental and accepting of all spiritual belief systems, but is not a support group.

With “this one wild and precious life” to live, Ruth says everyone should address certain topics now: seeking forgiveness, dealing with unfinished business, mending estranged relationships, finding meaning in life and having hope. She hopes people see death in a new light and embrace it as a natural part of life.