Love from Six Feet Away
How to emerge from your quarantine cocoon and find your own Mr. Darcy.
Illustration by Emily Bishop
by Kaleigh Carroll
It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone who has lived through the pandemic, in possession of a heart, must be in want of companionship.
When most of the world locked down in March 2020, people turned to dating apps for entertainment, connection and a brief distraction from the uncertainty of the outside world. There was a 700% increase in dates between March and May 2020 on OkCupid, Bumble’s video calls increased by 70% and Tinder broke its record for the most swipes in a day on March 29, 2020.
Nearly two years later, lockdowns seem like a distant memory and mask mandates are fading away, but the dating frenzy is nowhere to be seen. It’s not because everyone magically shed their desire for companionship. In fact, a study from The Royal Society for Public Health found loneliness increased across all studied groups during the pandemic.
University College London psychology and epidemiology professor, Andrew Steptoe, who co-authored the study, said the mental and emotional effects of COVID are just as important as the physical ones.
“Loneliness hasn’t really been driven by the virus. What it has been driven by are the actions we’ve taken to try and limit the virus,” Steptoe said. “It has more to do with the lockdowns where people haven’t been able to go out and see each other.”
After years of quarantining, social distancing and masks, the idea of getting back into the dating world is more than daunting. To some, it seems impossible. Meeting a complete stranger in the hopes of connecting with them so you don’t die alone was already hard pre-COVID-19. Add post-pandemic awkwardness to the mix and the situation becomes all the more intimidating.
Now, the usual worries that swirl in our heads before a date are accompanied by a new array of equally-dizzying ones.
When should I take off my mask? Do I ask about their vaccination status? Should I get tested beforehand? Do I ask them to get tested? Am I standing too close? Too far away? How do I even make small talk anymore?
Stilted conversations, the uncertainty of closeness and the lack of touch have many of us acting more like characters from a Jane Austen-inspired film than a modern rom-com. Although covered ankles aren’t the sole hallmark of a good partner and ballrooms have long vanished from courting rituals, Austen’s stories still have a lesson or two to teach us about love.
(Spoiler alert: Walking across an English moor is sure to make anyone swoon).
Pride and Prejudice
Where better to begin than the pinnacle of pining period pieces: “Pride and Prejudice.”
Written by Jane Austen in 1813, “Pride and Prejudice” focuses on the Bennett family, composed of five women and their parents, as they navigate issues of love, societal expectations and family in 19th-century England. At the heart of the story is Elizabeth Bennett and William Darcy who overcome their false perceptions of each other as they fall in love and eventually marry.
Austen’s original work has been adapted to the screen in nearly every form, with some interpretations sticking faithfully to the book and others throwing in everything from gender-bent characters to zombies. Nowhere is the romance more potent than in Joe Wright’s 2005 adaptation.
If you’ve ever doubted the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” this movie will make you a true believer.
Whether it’s Jane Bennett and Charles Bingley standing a solid five feet apart before his proposal or Elizabeth and Darcy gazing into each other’s eyes before dancing (yet never quite touching), the absence of touch is everywhere yet romance has never been so present. This suggestion of touch does more than you’d expect.
For those touch-starved souls, the idea of avoiding contact might seem insane, but after so many months or even years without consistent connection, it can feel strange to jump back in.
When do I hold their hand? Is it strange if I lean in? Would it be OK if I touch their shoulder? Should we kiss at the end? Hug? High-five? Handshake?
You don’t have to stand six feet apart and flirt solely through ballroom dancing, but there’s no shame in taking it at your own pace.
Need a post-pandemic date idea? Have you considered a giant stone gazebo in the English countryside where you can profess your love despite your “better judgment,” as Darcy so eloquently puts it?
[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNZ5NXKtdxs[/embed]
No? Well, a walk at Boulevard Park or a stroll through the Sehome Arboretum will work just as well, but consider leaving out the “better judgment” bit. If Darcy can’t make a line like that work, then there’s little hope for the rest of us.
Long strolls in the countryside aren’t just for spectacularly declaring your love. They’re also a staple of the pandemic that can brighten your spirits and give you time to contemplate your wants and needs. Impress your to-be partner with your newfound endurance to walk off the pandemic blues. If Elizabeth can trek to Netherfield through miles of muddy English fields in an ankle-length dress, you can manage the sidewalks in your athleisure.
While “Pride and Prejudice” is filled with the “do’s” of romance even for modern daters, it’s got plenty of “don’ts” as well.
Don’t compliment the vegetables no matter how “exemplary” the boiled potatoes may be.
Don’t pull a Wickham. Even if you’re desperate to settle down after nearly two years of isolation, abducting and eloping with the first person you meet against the wishes of their family might not be the best (or most legal) strategy.
Please, please, please don’t mention someone’s “inferior rank and family status” in the hopes of wooing them. Sorry, Darcy. It may be one of his only blunders, but it’s a big one.
Side note: Why do we even bother saying “I love you” when the sentence “You have bewitched me, mind, body and soul… And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you,” exists?
Emma
Austen’s approach to love wasn’t always so dramatic. Written in 1815, “Emma” follows the story of Emma Woodhouse, a high society woman in early 1800s England who plays matchmaker with varying levels of success.
Thanks to Autumn de Wilde’s whimsical directing and charming performances from Anya Taylor-Joy and Johnny Flynn, we have proof that at least one good thing came out of 2020. The vivid colors and subtle comedy of Wilde’s film help fight off the gloom while imparting a few romantic lessons as well.
If there’s one thing Emma does best, it’s self-care. We’d all like to start our days strolling through a private greenhouse selecting flowers for a morning bouquet, but making iced coffee and journaling might be as close as we can get.
Either way, taking care of yourself is the first step to preparing for a successful start to dating. It’s not just the stereotypical combination of face masks and long baths that can help you but also the exercise of taking time to get to know yourself.
What do you want or not want out of a relationship? What won’t you compromise on? What’s most important to you?
Dating isn’t a solo endeavor. If Emma taught us one thing, it’s the importance of a good wing woman (Wingman? Wing person?). True friends, like Emma, paint you a portrait for the sole purpose of giving it to your crush. Anything less is insufficient, although a well-posed selfie at golden hour might be acceptable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQVUlK4g4tM
Bonus points if you can get your crush to encase your photo in a frame with two small gilded doors and a music box that plays upon opening.
If confessing your love in a gigantic stone pavilion during a rainstorm isn’t your ideal date, consider a picnic on the rolling hills of your estate. Don’t forget your miniature umbrella and bonnet. One piece of advice: Try not to call your date “dull.” Even someone as dashing as Emma can’t get away with outright insults.
Don’t let little mistakes or fumbles destroy your courage. If Emma can get a nosebleed right as Knightley confesses his love and still marry him, then there’s hope for the rest of us.
[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9GWGs0W3es[/embed]
If there was ever a line to rival Darcy’s, it would be Knightley’s. “If I loved you less, then I might be able to talk about it more.” While exceptionally lovely, it shouldn’t be busted out on date number one. Unless they do happen to be Anya Taylor-Joy, then, by all means, confess your love quickly and thoroughly.
Modern Matchmaking
Some love lessons are timeless, but unlike Austen’s characters, a perfect English gentleman isn’t waiting around the corner to whisk you away to a sprawling manner. So, how can you set yourself up for success as you emerge from your quarantine cocoon?
One Google search can give you millions of pieces of advice, but for Ali Migliore, chief matchmaker and co-founder of the Seattle-based company Simply Matchmaking, the answer is simple.
One: Focus on quality, not quantity.
“You don’t need to sign up for every dating app or hire a bunch of matchmakers because you’re going to burn yourself out trying to make up for lost time,” Migliore said. “Pick one matchmaking service and focus on meeting quality dates.”
Two: Be Positive.
“I think it’s really common for people who haven’t dated in a while and are rusty to go on dates and say ‘Oh my god, the last two years just sucked,’” she said. “It’s easy to be really negative.”
Instead, she recommended gushing about your pandemic passion project or even talking about what you’re looking forward to in the coming year. It’s no secret that the past two years have been rough, so let that understanding sit silently while you look toward the future with your potential partner.
Now, go out and find your own Darcy.
Check out Carroll’s timeline on courtship through the decades