Escaping Addiction: Comforts to My Younger Self

As a child growing up around addiction, comfort is hard to come by.

Torie Wold sits and writes a letter // photo courtesy of Torie Wold

by Torie Wold

Torie,

My heart hurts as I write you this letter. Most sixth graders don’t have to worry about issues this big. How you grow up will be different from most kids your age. There are moments when the joys of childhood will be stolen from you by the one person who is meant to protect your joy: your parent.

The sad realities of our dad’s alcoholism will soon become apparent, and it’s important to me that you know what is ahead. You will have to grow up much faster than those around you. You will experience more trauma as a child than most will in a lifetime. It’s not fair.

I remember it being the simple things that hurt the most. All the conversations forgotten in his haze of drunkenness. The daddy-daughter dates ruined when he forgot his limits. Nights spent on the couch, hoping he would wake up from his drunken slumber and spend time with you.

Your desire for dad’s unconditional love is valid. It’s hard to watch other kids rave about their dads and their time spent together when that’s all you yearned for.

Although he will be there physically, emotionally he will not be able to provide in the ways a parent should. It’s not something that can be easily understood, especially at your age. To this day, I’m still confused how his relationship with alcohol is more indispensable to him than his relationship with us.

Eventually, you will learn that you are not alone in your feelings of neglect. Your struggles are known by others. One in five people in America grow up living with an alcoholic relative, you are bound to meet many kids in the same position.

Alcohol changes a lot of people. American Addiction Centers said that many alcoholics are unable to be there for their families and friends and neglect their responsibilities.

Feelings of anger, sadness, guilt and shame that arise from this neglect are all normal. There is no reason to be ashamed of your feelings, in fact you should embrace them. Feel them, process them, talk about them.

But Torie, please know this is not your problem to solve; it’s his. We tend to give, and give, and give, and give until there’s nothing left. You cannot fix him.

Don’t let yourself whittle away trying to put him back together, hold on tight to your youthfulness and do what you love. Committing to yourself and your happiness will ensure that you don’t make his same mistakes.

Give yourself the love you always wanted from him, and you will go far.

So much love,

Torie from the future

Torie,

“Alcoholism is a family disease.” That’s what Grandma told you as you entered middle school. “Be careful,” she said. “This is the age when your dad started drinking.” What stark words for a 13-year-old to hear.

I’m sorry.

Middle school is a time of change for everybody, but even more so for you. Navigating mom and dad’s divorce at such a pivotal age presented a big challenge. I know nothing that followed was easy for you either: a big move, seeing your parents date other people, living between two houses. That would take a toll on anyone.

I remember being where you are now. So full of excitement thinking about all the time I could finally spend with dad, but that fantasy soon disappeared and reality quickly set in.

I’m sure you’ve seen how our dad’s relationship with alcohol has progressed. The countless nights he left you alone to go drink with his new girlfriend, the family events he would stumble into, the conversations that would go in circles, the missed recitals and concerts.

So many nights ruined.

So many memories tainted.

I remember helplessness taking over in those moments, feeling lost and having no idea what to do about his drinking.

Just as Grandma said, addiction is a disease. No alcoholic will be able to stop drinking on a whim. They need help, the kind of help a 13-year-old could never provide. I’m sure you feel you can help, but that is not how it works. My best answer is to tell an adult, don’t keep this a big secret. That’s too much weight on your shoulders.

At this point, dad has been an alcoholic most of his life. As sad as it is to say, not much will change that, except professional help and treatment and even then, recovery is not guaranteed.

Instead of feeling the need to fix things for him, put your focus into yourself. It’s so easy to feel trapped and unsupported in an alcoholic household, but I know you are capable of giving yourself all the support you require.

See your friends, practice your band music, finish your homework. Putting your time and energy into those areas of your life will give yourself the stability you need to get through the day.

Investing in your own happiness will make life easier in the future. It is possible to break the cycle of addiction if you lead a life of passion and creativity. By creating healthy habits and giving yourself love, you will be able to find joy in life, rather than in alcohol.

So much love,

Torie

Torie,

Long time, no talk! College is in close view, and I’m sure your nerves are high. What bad timing for another bomb to be dropped on you.

In addition to dad’s worsening alcoholism, you now got news of another addiction in the family, this one more gut-wrenching than the first; an opioid addiction.

I think back on the moment we found out: the spiraling thoughts, the instant waterworks, it felt like I had been catapulted all the way back to our childhood.

This new addiction will challenge you in ways you never thought possible. In the next few years, trust will be broken as you realize money and precious items are missing, relationships will be strained as you try to confront the people in your life, and an overwhelming discomfort will consume the house as secrets are revealed.

The severity of the situation will set in with each day. That familiar feeling of hopelessness will creep back in. Being older, it will be easier to process and talk about, but nonetheless difficult as the addiction perseveres.

Thoughts and questions about the situation still linger in my mind daily. Will I ever be able to truly escape the wrath of addiction? Why did this happen? What was its purpose?

Now, I like to look back at our childhood as a growing experience: a chance to learn from our family’s mistakes and set us on the right track. A track of strength and perseverance.

Our rough childhood led me to focus on what I love and am passionate about: writing, makeup, painting, music and self-care. This gave me the comfort to know that I will never fall into the same habits as those in our family.

Our struggles have made us stronger.

College has rewarded me with a new sense of peace and freedom. I feel like I have been able to focus more on myself, now that I have the space to. Although it has been hard to distance myself from my loved ones who are struggling, it has offered me a place to finally breathe.

So much love,

Torie from the future